I got up from bed an hour ago. I logged in to my computer and logged on to Facebook to see how my family and friends are doing, to have a glimpse of how everyone is celebrating Christmas. Surely, you/they will all post something, right? Maybe not all, but many ….
I have to admit, I have this”holiday anxiety” inside of me that is just not going away. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s there, and it’s real.
And what does a blogger do at times like this? Turn to the blog and post freely, as I sort out stuff in my head and feelings in my heart.
Why am I feeling anxious? Why am I fighting a slight depression in the midst of celebration?
Perhaps it is because my extended family are so far away and my heart longs to be with them. In my heart I have this deep desire for my children to be able to experience the kind of Christmas I had when I was growing up … going to grandma and grandpa’s house and having a marvelous time with aunts, uncles and cousins and all. I miss that. I miss that a lot.
Perhaps it is because deep inside of me I feel guilty that I live a “happy and comfortable” life on Maui, while I know many people around the world are suffering. many live in poverty. Forget about asking for a Christmas present, they just need to know when and where the next meal will come, for them and for their family. So much suffering and pain in many parts of the world.
Perhaps its is because I wanted to give gifts, a lot of gifts to all my family and friends, but I didn’t. And part of me feels guilty that I didn’t and part of me feels sad that I can’t. And so a part of me tells the other part of me … it is ok. Relax … it is ok not to give material gifts … give in other ways …
Perhaps it is because I know in my heart that the true meaning of Christmas is that “the Son of God became a man to be our Savior” but I know and understand that not all my family and friends believe this. It makes me sad that not everyone believes in Jesus, but I know I can’t expect everyone to. And knowing me, the last thing I want to do at this time of the year is to shove my belief upon others. I deliberately did not post too much about the Christ of Christmas on my Facebook pages, not because I am ashamed of it or have doubts, but because I want to be sensitive to my family and friends who hold a different belief. And I am not saying that my friends who post about a lot abut the Christ of Christmas are being insensitive as well… it’s really depends on our style and our convictions …
Ah, I will never know what exactly is causing this holiday anxiety within me … I think it will remain, it will keep me humble, and it will help me remember to always be kind and gentle to others as we celebrate Christmas, on Maui and throughout the world. And it is a reminder for me to choose JOY. Oh I may not be too merry and too happy, but deep inside of me I know I have joy, and peace. And that’s what I want to wish all my family and friends: Joy and Peace this holiday season.
Mahalo for your honesty here. Christmas indeed brings mixed emotions to us all. I find myself wishing it would hurry up and get over…I really don’t have fond memories, given my family background. That spurs me on in helping families and marriages get healthy and healed earlier in life…..I do find as I meditate on the REAL REASON for the celebration, my depression lifts.
Glory to God in the highest!
Thank you for your encouragement to us all, day in and day out….
Appreciate your heartfelt post this Christmas Eve… I truly believe in your quote from the.the GRINCH! It’s not about boxes, packages and bows!!! We seem to have lost the true meaning of Christmas… Merry Christmas to you and your girls!
We are never quite comfortable in this world, are we? No way to make it all work the way we want. Hope your Christmas was sweet in spite of the bumps in the road.